Trojan War
by SSAEmilyHotchner
Summary: Oneshot. When Morgan needs help in planning yet another prank in order to get back at Reid, Hotch and Emily rise up to the challenge. In the process, they set off a full-scale BAU prank war. Written for laurenreynoldsisdead's prompt, "Reid and condoms".


**Author's Note: ****If not for the lovely laurenreynoldsisdead on tumblr, I would never have had the idea to write this little gem. And boy, did I enjoy her prompt, or what? I got to thinking, and figured we could all use a minute or two of laughter, so hopefully, this story will provide just that. It's kind of a post-ep for 7x04, "Painless"...kind of. Anywho, thank you, as always, for reading my stories. I sure hope y'all enjoy this little piece - though I must say, I'm sure you will. :)**

**Shout-out to hotchityhotchhotch for thinking up the most clever story title ever! **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds or any of its characters.**

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><p>"You know the pranks that Morgan and Reid have been playing on one another?"<p>

At the sound of her boss's hushed voice, Emily looked up from her work to see him perched on the side of her desk. "What about them?" she responded, equally as quiet.

Hotch glanced around the bullpen. It was nearly empty, save for JJ and Reid, who were conversing by the coffee machine. "Well, Morgan ran out of ideas on how to get back at Reid and…he asked me for help."

Emily couldn't help it; she laughed. "Big bad Derek Morgan can't do it himself? Oh, wow."

Hotch let a rare grin curve his lips. "That was exactly my reaction. The problem is," he said, "I have the makings of an idea, but I'm not sure how to pull it off, timing-wise."

"So, you're asking me for help?" she countered, her eyes shining with mirth as her fingers danced along his hand.

"Don't give me that smug smile," he said simply, taking hold of her fingers and bringing them to his lips for a sweet, discrete kiss. "I'm not asking for help; you're just a rather integral part of the plan."

That piqued Emily's interest. "And what, exactly, does this plan entail?"

Hotch whispered his idea into her ear, chuckling when Emily pulled away with a pleasantly shocked look on her face.

"Aaron Hotchner, I never," she teased.

This time, he was the smug one. "It's a good prank, isn't it?"

"A very good prank," Emily agreed. "Though…you do know that, by us aiding Morgan, their playful little exchange has now escalated into a full-on war, right?"

"Oh, I know. With war comes risks, and that's a risk I am prepared to take."

"As am I." She shot him a heated glance. "So, we can work out whatever kinks in your idea tomorrow after work. But as for tonight…"

Hotch grinned once more, already looking forward to the end of their work day. "Your place or mine?"

"Mine's closer."

~.~.~

After a long, thoroughly satisfying romp beneath the sheets, Emily forced herself into a seating position, her heartbeat thundering in her ears.

_"Wow,"_ she breathed, letting out a contented sigh.

Hotch sat up beside her, his arms wrapping around her bare waist. "Yeah," he replied simply, pressing a kiss right below her ear.

Emily chuckled to herself, then leaned back against his chest. "So…"

"Hmmm?"

"About Reid. If we want to enact your prank tomorrow after work, shouldn't we go condom-shopping tonight?"

Hotch laughed; outright laughed. "There are so many things wrong about that question." She simply raised an eyebrow. "We just had the _best_ sex of our lives -" Emily giggled "- and the first thing out of your mouth is a comment about Reid. Should I be worried?" he quipped playfully.

"Worried? You?" Emily turned to nip at the underside of his jaw. "Not at all. Why?" she teased in turn. "You jealous?"

"Oh, I don't know. I'm starting to wonder what _really _happened between you two on your _Solaris_ movie date."

Emily snorted. "We totally got it on." Her voice was dripping with highly amused sarcasm. "No, Aaron…I'll have you know; you're the only one for me."

Their lips met once more. "That's good to hear."

"But seriously. Condom-shopping," she repeated.

Hotch huffed. "Now?" he practically whined. "But I want to stay in bed with you."

"We could always go another round when we get back," she offered appealingly.

"But -"

Emily pinched his ass then covered his mouth with hers. "Let's go," she laughed gleefully.

Hotch narrowed his eyes at her. "Oh, you're going to pay for that one, sweetheart," he said lowly, his tone husky.

She shot him a flirtatious smile. "I can hardly wait."

~.~.~

"Let's see: Trojan Magnum or Trojan Ultra-Thin?"

Hotch shifted his weight from one foot to another, trying not to look embarrassed. "Either one," he said, shrugging. "Your choice."

"Hmmm…this one's pretty cheap for a 36 pack," Emily mused. "But I feel like buying those would be a let down to you."

"In what way?"

"Well, honey, you're too big to fit into these," Emily said saucily.

Hotch indulged himself in a good belly laugh. "So, buy both packs. We can make good use of the extras."

"And make the cashier think we're sexual deviants? No, thank you," she deadpanned. Emily was glancing over at said cashier when, by chance, a familiar form caught her eye.

_No. It can't be._

Immediately, she took Hotch's hand in hers. "Don't look now," she said quietly, "but Reid is like…two aisles away from us."

_Of all people to run into at eleven o'clock at night!_

Hotch's eyes widened only slightly. "Did he see us?"

"I don't think so…" She snuck another glance over at the young profiler. "Do we risk going over to check-out now?" The line isn't long."

He nodded. "Let's go."

But Emily shook her head. "I'll go check out, you go get the car and drive up to the entrance. God, I feel like we're organizing a heist, or something." They shared a brief smirk, then realized how little time they had. "So, _go!"_

Hotch was doing just that and was - luckily - already in the parking lot when Emily felt the dreaded tap on her shoulder.

"Emily?"

Whirling around, Emily feigned surprise when she saw him. "Oh! Reid! What a small world," she said, smiling.

"Indeed." He motioned over to the package in her hands. "What are you here for so late at night?"

Emily cleared her throat awkwardly. "Uh…" She handed the item to the cashier and waited for Reid to read the box so she didn't have to explain.

_"Oh. _Condoms." _Thirty-six of them? Jesus Christ. _"I, uh, didn't know you had a boyfriend," Reid said, in his own naïve little way.

"I don't," was Emily's immediate answer, before she realized how little sense that made. "Well, I do, but -"

"It's complicated?" Reid supplied.

"- yeah," she finished lamely.

"I see." Reid watched and waited as Emily swiped her credit card to pay for her special purchase. "Well, uh…have a nice night, Emily."

"You, too, Reid," she replied, wringing the plastic shopping bag in her hands.

And then, before Reid could even say _existentialism_, Emily had skipped off and disappeared.

~.~.~

"There's no one else here."

"Good." Emily pulled something out of her bag, the rusting of plastic and rubber the only sound in the otherwise quiet - and empty - bullpen. Smiling devilishly, she began to remove condom after condom from the bag, and slowly opened Reid's desk drawers. "Well? Would you like to do the honors, Aaron?" she laughed.

Hotch bit back his smirk, then handed her the bottle of Elmer's glue they had borrowed from an unassuming Jack. "I think I'll let you do the first one, seeing as your excitement is nearly uncontainable."

"Deal." Opening one of the brightly colored foil packages, she twisted open the bottle and squeezed in a couple drops of sticky white crafty glue. "I can already picture the look on his face," Emily said, a dark amusement coloring her tone. "He's going to be sufficiently disturbed." A beat passed as Hotch placed his chin on her shoulder and laughed into the crook of her neck. "I feel like a teenager again," she mumbled, strategically placing the "used" condom on Reid's desk.

"Mmm, you were one of _those_ teenagers, were you?" Hotch quipped, taking the glue from her hands and filling a couple of the rubber prophylactics as well.

"If by 'those teenagers', you mean I hated some of my teachers and put them through hell…then yes, I was one of 'those teenagers'," she smirked. "Though, I must admit, I never did something as naughty as this. Pray tell, did Southern gentleman Aaron Hotchner have a risqué streak of his own?"

"That's for me to know, and you to find out," he said vaguely, crumbling up the foil wrappers and stuffing them in file after file in the largest of Reid's desk drawers. "How many have we done so far?"

Emily put more glue into yet another condom, then left it on Reid's chair. "This is the tenth. Think we should stop?"

"Yeah, I think that's good enough. Leave a couple unused ones in the rest of his desk drawers; I already made use of the wrappers," Hotch said, chuckling.

"Mmmm, very nice. And just for added effect…" She hoisted herself up onto the desk and moved around deliciously, stretching her body across the length in order to scatter Reid's files and notes around. Emily giggled as Hotch lifted her off of the desk and into his arms. "Looks good, doesn't it?"

Stepping back, they both admired their handiwork; to anyone who didn't know their plan, it looked as if the young Doctor had had a little too much fun at work.

"Remind me to never get on your bad side," Hotch noted, still smirking.

Emily winked at that, internally thinking that he couldn't possibly get on her bad side, even if he tried. "Forget Reid; _we're_ geniuses," she sighed, laughing once more as Hotch took out his phone to take a picture.

"What?" he asked as she shook her head. "Morgan's got to see this."

~.~.~

_"What the hell?"_

Emily and Hotch shared a secretive glance as Spencer Reid strode into the bullpen and took in the state of his desk. Emily had to physically cover her mouth to suppress her laughter as Hotch waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Reid's face was contorted in a disgusted confusion. "What…what?" he rambled.

Rossi smirked a little as he walked on by, heading up to his office. "Something you want to tell us, Reid?"

Reid spun around and glared at the older profiler, but said nothing. It was when Morgan stood back to watch, his arms crossed and expression amused, that the young man's eyes narrowed in realization.

_"You."_

Morgan arched an eyebrow guiltlessly. "What about me, kid?"

"This…this…" He held up one of the condom wrappers with his thumb and forefinger, as if afraid to actually touch it. "This is a dirty prank, Morgan," Reid scowled.

Emily snickered quietly. "Literally," she inserted, making Morgan throw his head back in laughter.

At her comment, Reid's gaze moved from Morgan, to Emily, and then to Hotch, who was standing a couple paces away, observing the scene with interest. Finally, Reid's gaze landed on Emily once more.

And then, it all clicked.

"Wait a minute," he said, unfolding the wrapper he had previously been holding. _Trojan Ultra-Thin_, he read. "It wasn't Morgan at all, was it?" he asked, moving closer to Emily this time.

She put on an unassuming smile. "I don't know what you're talking about, Reid."

"Last night, at CVS," he said. "This is the same brand you bought. I wondered why you needed a thirty-six pack," he mused aloud, his assumptions confirmed as Emily's cheeks flushed slightly. "It was _you_, wasn't it?"

Emily snorted. "Says who? Maybe I needed a thirty-six pack because my boyfriend and I were planning on having amazing, mind-blowing sex. You jealous?" she retorted.

JJ looked up from the file she had been trying - but failing - to read. "You have a boyfriend?"

_"Exactly, _JJ," Reid said, grinning now as Emily scowled at her best friend. "What is this, anyway?" He finally mustered up the courage to pick up one of the seemingly used condoms. "Is this glue?"

Emily shrugged, still trying to gain the upper hand. "Oh, I don't know, why don't you ask Morgan?" she said lightly, walking on over to Hotch.

Reid rolled his eyes, his playful grin back. "I don't have to," he said, his voice raised over the beginnings of early morning conversation as more and more people dwindled into the bullpen. "You better watch your back, Emily Prentiss. I _know_ it was you."

_Besides, _he thought to himself as he cleared off his desk. _Morgan uses Magnums, not Trojan Ultra-Thin. _

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><p><strong>Author's Note: <strong>**I had _way_ too much fun writing this, as I'm sure was evident. I can only hope that you had just as much fun reading it! If you did, please take a minute to leave me a review; no matter short or long, signed or anonymous, your feedback never fails to put a smile on my face. Thank you in advance!**


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